All Balls Itch

Another girl pretending to be a guy so she can write freely. And not get fired. Or divorced. Or lose friends.

About Me

Thank you sticking with me long enough to get past my semi-vulgar blog title.  I attempted to pick a cleaner title, but after dipping into my creativity well for an amount of time I’m too ashamed to claim, I made a last-ditch effort for All Balls Itch. And it was available.

Shocking, I know.

WHAT’S IN NAME?                                                                                                                                                                                   I’m obsessed with dialouge. Not the made-for-tshirt stuff like “I’m the king of the world” or “Luke, I am your father”; I’m talking about obscure turns of phrases I have to explain 99.9% of the time.  My all-time favorite is “If I see that Bleeker kid again, I’m going to punch him in the wiener”.  Which is the basis for all my offers of support to my friends who are going through some shit.

FRIEND:  My boss sucks.

ME:  Want me to punch him in the wiener?

All Balls Itch is derived from “Just One of the Guys”, this amazingly tacky 80s movie where high school journalist Terry Griffith believes her looks (read: bodacious ta-tas) are keeping her from being taken seriously as a writer.   In order for hilarity to ensue, she goes to another school disguised as a guy to confirm that men are pigs and she is, indeed, the next Michiko Kakutani.  Terry’s oversexed little brother goes along with the plan and gives her a tutorial on how to walk like a dude that goes something like this  (or exactly like this, as I just spent 30 minutes transcribing it from You Tube)-

BUDDY:   Very crucial. Something every guy does.  Let me see you scratch your balls.

TERRY:  (rolls her eyes)

BUDDY:   C’mon try it.

TERRY:  (scratches)

BUDDY:  Wait a minute. Watch the master.  Now first, there’s your basic shift.  (demonstrates) But that’s not always enough.  Sometimes you have to dig. Let some air in.  Move things around.

TERRY:  Yeah, well maybe my balls don’t itch.

BUDDY:  All balls itch, it’s a fact!

So here I am.

Discovering much too late in life that I want to be a writer. And that I missed the blogger-turned-writer phenomenon.  Now I’m one of millions of people who exercise that pent-up fantasy by oversharing with strangers.  Because it’s JUST LIKE being a published author.

Except when it’s not


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