All Balls Itch

Another girl pretending to be a guy so she can write freely. And not get fired. Or divorced. Or lose friends.

Tom Getting Married


Everyone has a college boyfriend that “turns out” gay, right?

Long before “Will & Grace” and Twitter was a time and place where you didn’t just release all your shit into the universe. Back then, you crowded around a tiny dorm room with your sorority sisters and wrote a pros/cons list while sneaking shots of tequila:

Reasons To Date Tom
1. Has his own house (no more sleeping on futons or mattresses on sticky frat house floors!)
2. He’s 6’9″ so I will feel tiny!
3. President of his fraternity means I get to go to more socials
4. SUPER outgoing. I could take him to a party and not babysit his ass all night.
5. Doesn’t drink. Can anyone say, Designated Driver?!?
6. Cooks, like actual food. Not just spaghetti.
7. Sings and plays piano. How cute was it when he serenaded me at formal? Sure it was a show tune I’d never heard of, but still…

1. His penis is enormous. The guy uses Magnum condoms. (Ooh, his new code name is Tom Selleck. You know, MAGNUM, P.I.)
2. Pretty sure he’s into dudes

My dating experience was limited. I never got to mean-girl some poor kid who dared approach me with a wilted daisy and an eye-contactless nearly inaudible, “doyouwanttogooutwithme?”. If you asked the question, the answer was yes. I’m like the community college. Everyone got in.

When Tom asked me to his fraternity formal, I was in the heels of a breakup with Jack the Townie. You know, the 26 year old manager at the Jack In The Box across from the campus. Jack was confident and sweet and a sharp departure from the drunken “I’ve always wanted to fuck a black chick” proposals that I getting far too frequently. He called me at work to see how my day was going and called me sweetheart in a non-pimpy, make-a-gal blush way. Eventually, I spent 3 nights a week at Jack’s house where we stayed up late talking about life and cuddling and not having sex out of kindness and respect. “When the time is right..I don’t want to rush it with you.” Should I have been surprised when his roommate said “You know he’s dating other girls, right?”. Um, no. No, I didn’t. After angry-sexing the roommate, I decided Jack may not be a good choice for me after all.

Enter Tom, the sensitive, non-drinking, might-be-gay, asexual, virgin.

Clearly, Tom and I turned out not to be an ideal match, but we’ve remained friends and kept up with each others lives. I’ve had dinners with him and his dates, ogled over photos of Tom’s fiance on Facebook. I managed not to punch him in the wiener when he met my then-fiancĂ©, shook his hand warmly and said, “Me and Terry used to do the nasty!”.

Did I mention Tom’s inappropriate sharing and penchant for ‘the perfect icebreaker’ as keys to our demise?

Tom sent me and invitation to his wedding, which I happily accepted, with a warning that I WILL be greeting his husband in the exact manner met mine. Unfortunately, I see the whole thing backfiring and Tom introducing me to EVERYONE in this impertinent manner.


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