All Balls Itch

Another girl pretending to be a guy so she can write freely. And not get fired. Or divorced. Or lose friends.

Girls Who Don’t Blog Are Bitches

I think back to a time when I lamented the lack of female friendships in my life. A time when I believed some part of my feminine genetic code was askew because I  was incapable of bonding with women.

Until I had a blog.  A tepid little blog that first introduced me to her ,then opened me up to meeting her and her.  Then I went to BlogHer and embarrassed myself meeting her, was taken under her wing, felt like giggly little school girl meeting her as introduced by her.  You get the point. I’m people who know people. Well, just those people really, but I learned I am  capable of connecting with people who ovulate.   And The Ovulators are complex and brilliant and hilarious and gorgeous in not just appearancy ways.  So I decided to expand my circle and jump in the pink pool with wild abandon. I accepted every invitation from every gal that would have me.  Brunch? Sure.  Your Mary Kay party?  Heck, yeah!   Birthday of the girl who will whip out a doobie in the limo?  Why not?  After giving it a go for a couple of years, I learned one very important thing-

Girls who don’t blog are bitches.

In the last week, I’ve had 2 non-blog relationships go horribly awry.  A little perspective, please.  Kim Kardashian and Kanye West = Awry.  Flavor Flav and Brigette Nielsen = Horribly Awry.

Yeah. Holy, fucking, shit, balls.

Instead of dwelling on the she said/she said of it all, I will break it down into 6 Simple Rules for Friendship:

1.  There is a chance that I will say something about you behind your back.  It’s usually because I’m trying to figure out if something you said or did was just strange to me or if it is considered universally strange.  And if it is universally strange, why you’re not aware of it.  Is your inability to be aware of your strangeness a permanent condition or are you just having a day?  In any case, I’m not seeking perfection in my relationships.  You’re not an outfit that I need to wear to premiere.  You’re a person.  Everyone has a quirk. Quirks are what make you, you.  Unless your quirk makes me want to punch in the face and, in which case, I’ll just ignore you.

2. Don’t ask me if someone else has talked about you.  My general belief is, if they wanted to tell you, they would.  If that doesn’t make sense to you, please refer to the previous rule.

3.  If you found that I have talked about you, I will own up to it.  As long as it won’t get me fired or divorced, I have no problem owning up to anything I’ve said.  More often than not, what you’ve heard is (a) out of context and (b) said in a tone that likely wasn’t mine.  I also won’t throw another person under the bus to clear my ass, so you will get a version that is from my perspective.

4.  rarely take sides.  I am more than happy to listen to you vent about your parent/sibling/spouse/colleague/neighbor/waiter/waxer/endocrinologist/sherpa/cat whisperer/rival blogger/etc., but I will never jump on the YEAH, THAT PERSON IS DOUCHE! LET’S SLASH THEIR TIRES!  I believe that you have chosen to keep the people in your life in your life for a reason and it’s not my job to tell you who to vote off the island.  I will likely play devil’s advocate and work with you to figure out why that person has acted this way in this instance and offer suggestions on how you should proceed.  Because I only have your side of the story.  And while I don’t believe you to be a liar, I do believe in the fine art of making yourself look better to an outsider.  So if you want someone to jump on Team You and come out with a sword and a cat-o-9 tails, I’m nots the one.  However, I WILL be there to help you move/wiener punch/drive the getaway car/buy you a drink should you sever that relationship.

5.  I’m sensitive and I’d like to stay that way.  Aggressive doesn’t look good on me. I don’t have a cute cry, nor do I have sensible rage.  Most of the time I’m a shell-less turtle.  I’m nice because I don’t see any reason not to be.  And because nice people generally don’t get shanked.  So please don’t try to alter me in order to suit you.

6.  If you don’t like me, leave me the fuck alone. I don’t need you to tell me all the things you find offensive about me. We don’t need to have “the talk”.  We don’t need time off or a break or distance, what we need is to pretend like one of us had died and move the fuck on.

That’s all.

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